Archive for November, 2010

Battling Infidelity in a Marriage

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

 Infidelity in a marriage does not have to lead to divorce. Although infidelity is very painful there are often ways to work through it and re-establish a more healthful partnership; with a foundation of love, trust, and happiness. Tips on Working Through Infidelity:

Avoid Revenge: If you find out your partner has cheated, showing them how it feels by   having an affair of your own is not going to help. Give yourself time to think things through and to pay attention to all of your feelings.

Close Your Borders: It is possible that strong boundaries were not in place in your marriage. Now is the time to correct this. During the few weeks after infidelity do not allow anyone in or out of your marriage. Take this opportunity to communicate with your partner about what happened, the reasons why it happened, and discuss options for moving forward.

Get Rid of the Third Person: If you are going to rebuild your marriage, you must break it off with the mistress/mister. Continuing to have contact with him/her, even as friends, will hurt your marriage.

Get Rid of Secretive Electronics: Now is the time to build trust in your marriage and this means being transparent. Do this by getting rid of your secret cell phones, secret email accounts, etc. For now, share an e-mail with your spouse and/or create a shared facebook account. Exchange passwords to voicemail and other electronics as appropriate.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: Frequent communication with your spouse about where you are and what you’re doing will be important. Call your spouse from work during the day. Give your spouse your schedule for the day. Be where you say you are at all times and be available to your partner whenever they need you.

Be Patient with your Feelings: Expect to go through emotional ups and downs. Hurt often turns to anger. Try not to act on these feelings. Focus on remaining calm, and trying to understand your feelings; deep breathing or other relaxation exercises can help.

Go to a Doctor: If your spouse was sexually active with someone else it will be important for both of you to get STD testing. Many STD’s do not show up for 6 to 12 months after contact.

With a healthy foundation your marriage may be able withstand infidelity. Some marriages can even become stronger after an affair. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness and be flexible as both of you will have to work through your feelings as you work to improve your relationship.

If you or a loved one are in relationship distress please call us, often people wait till there have been other transgressions, or more hurt feelings.  Early intervention is often key in saving a relationship when infidelity has occurred.  Several of our therapists have extensive experience in couples therapy and are eager to help..

Posted in Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships | No Comments »

Taking inventory of our thinking to change negative thoughts to the positive

Friday, November 26th, 2010

Many people go through life suffering. Often times our thoughts, our internal dialogue; is the primary cause of such suffering. Here we’re speaking of mental suffering, which can be worse than physical suffering as many people don’t know how to handle it and overcome it. Try monitoring your thoughts for one day, write them down. You might be surprised how many of your thoughts are negative. Once you are aware of just how many and what kind of thoughts you have each day you can begin to learn the antidote for it. Here are some common negative thoughts and their antidotes

Thought: “I am not”… smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, as good as someone else, etc…

Antidote: Learn to love yourself for who you are. Replace thoughts of worthlessness with a mantra, such as “I am blessing to all who know me.” Replace “not enough” thoughts with what you do have, such as “I have a great sense of humor or I have an excellent relationship with my family.”

Thought: I can never please my spouse, my boss, my mother, etc…

Antidote: Don’t live to make other people happy. Be the best that you can be and accept who you are. Be proud of yourself, don’t judge yourself. Make your opinion the only one that counts for you.

Thought: You worry that something negative could happen in the future.

Antidote: Ask yourself “Is this true right now?” If not, then stay in the moment, that is live in the present. Bring your attention back to the present, what you’re doing right now, rather than what the future might or might not bring. Also, ask you “Am I creating a negative future by dwelling on only the negative consequences of what may happen?”

Thought: You feel envy and jealous.

Antidote: Stop looking at other people’s lives and start looking at your own. What can you do to feel more confident and grow? What can you create for yourself that is fulfilling? What you’re your personal goals, not in comparison of others? When you begin to act on these thoughts your jealousy will subside.

When you have negative thoughts and mental suffering you are not living in the present. In general when suffering ask yourself “What’s the truth right now, Am I living in the present, Is there an action I can take now?” Take action now, in the present; the past is over the future has not arrived yet, become actively involved in the present.

For more assistance changing your beliefs, getting rid of damaging negative thoughts, or the bad feelings those thoughts create, please call us at 631-427-6669.  The clinical staff of Holtz Psychological Services are always ready to help..NOW!

Posted in Depression, Personal Growth, Self-esteem | No Comments »

Learn to Drive Without Rage

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Tailgating, excessive horn honking, aggressive gestures, and swearing are just some examples of what happens when you give into road rage. Road rage is defined as an aggressive or angry behavior by a driver. Anger and aggression can make you irrational and can lead to a dangerous situation on the road. Any driver, of any gender or race, can develop road rage if they are in the wrong mood and in the right situation.

How to avoid road rage:

  • There are a set of driving behaviors that seem to anger everyone, cutting off, driving slower in the left lane, tailgating, and quick merging into and out of lanes are some. By avoiding these behaviors you’ll be less likely to anger someone else and possible engage in an angry exchange of road rage. Don’t tailgate, merge without signaling, or go slower than traffic; DO drive politely.  Drive with courtesy for your fellow drivers.
  • If an episode of road rage does occur, don’t engage the other driver. One angry driver can’t start a fight unless another driver is willing to engage them. One way to avoid reacting to the other driver is to avoid eye contact with them. Eye contact makes an impersonal encounter between two vehicles into a personal encounter between two people. Ask yourself, “would I want to fly in an airplane with a pilot who was acting like this?”
  • Change your approach to driving. The most important way to avoid road rage is to adjust your attitude. Forget about winning, driving is not a contest or a race. Remember, your vehicle is a means of transportation, not a weapon. It’s about getting somewhere safely. Instead of trying to make good time on your trip try to make the time good by listening to soothing music or a book on tape. Practice relaxation techniques, like deep breathing. Use a driving related mantra to help keep yourself cam while driving, something like “the car is going fast and so am I.”  This will also help you to stay connected and present in the moment while driving being mindful of what you are doing.
  • Plan an extra ten minutes into your trip, more time will lead to less stress as you won’t be prone to speed. Remember you cannot control the other drivers around you but you can control the way they affect you.

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Growth | No Comments »

Adolescent Depression

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Recent research points to the effectiveness of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) in preventing relapse in adolescent depression.  A recent study, even picked up and reported by Time Magazine this week, detailed how adolescents treated with medication alone tend to have recurring depressive episodes while those treated with a combination of anti depressant therapy and CBT were less likely to have symptoms return.  The clinical staff of Holtz Psychological Services specialize in the treatment of adolescents using CBT and other frame works to assist teens in effectively preventing ongoing episodic depression.  If you or a teen you know is in need of assistance call us NOW! We are here to help.

Posted in Depression, Family & Parenting, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Smallest Victims of the Economy

Monday, November 8th, 2010

For many adults financial stress has increased over recent years, as the economy has weakened and the unemployment rate has increased. Financial stress within families has also affected children. The American Psychological Association reports that half of teens indicated they worried more this year than last year, whereas only 28% of parents reported their teen’s worry level had increased.. This poll was asking about generalized worrying. Furthermore a New York Times poll reported that 40% of parents indicated behavioral changes in their kids that they believed were due to the financial problems of their family. This is not surprising as many children have been forced to move, leave friends, and change schools due to parents’ losing their jobs or being forced to downgrade in salary or position. Adolescents are particularly at risk as they notice tension and stress in the home more than younger children. Of particular importance is adolescents’ tendency to avoid negative emotions, leading to an increase in escape behaviors, that is avoiding the unpleasant situation or emotion through another activity, such as web surfing and video games. Other signs your child is experiencing stress due to the family’s finances include angry or aggressive outbursts as well as symptoms of anxiety like questioning purchases or expressing worry about family finances of their parents’ job stability directly. So, how do you help your child during these stressful times?

  • First, realize that you are a role model for your child. If parents confront uncomfortable emotions themselves, they will make it easier for their kids to do so as well. Likewise, don’t shield your kids from what is going on. Even young children should be told what is happening in terms they understand.
  • Get your child involved with chores and family activities. Ask your child to come up with inexpensive family activities, such as picnics, free concerts, or a day at the beach. Having your kids pitch in will give them a sense of control.
  • If you do have to move or switch schools help your child stay connected with friends. There are many options for easy communication through internet and video chat; better yet try and establish regular play dates with the friends they have while encouraging them to establish new connections through social activities, clubs or organizations.
  • Finally, use this as an opportunity to teach your kids about responsible finances. Beliefs about spending and saving money are instilled when we are young, your kids will benefit from talking with you about your financial situation. 
  • If you or a family member is having difficulty dealing with the emotional ramifications of financial stress please give us a call at Holtz Psychological Services, our caring professionals are here to help.

Posted in Family & Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships | 1 Comment »

Dealing with Grief

Monday, November 1st, 2010

Grief is a natural reaction when you lose someone you love. You may experience feelings of sadness, shock, guilt, and anger. These are normal responses; allowing yourself to feel these emotions is part of the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently depending on their personality, life experiences, faith, and type of the loss (loss of a loved one, a relationship breakup, death of a pet, loss of financial stability).  Almost anything you experience during the early stages of grieving is normal, feeling like you’re “going crazy” or living in a dream as well as questioning your religious beliefs are common. Other common symptoms of grief include feelings of shock or disbelief as it is often hard to accept what has happened. It may be hard to believe that the loss really happened; as such you might expect the loved one to show up even though you know they are gone. A universal sign of grief is sadness. Feelings of despair, emptiness, and deep loneliness, as well as crying a lot are common. Other common feelings during periods of grief are guilt and anger. You may feel guilty over something you said or didn’t say. You may feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even though there was nothing you could have done. You may also feel guilt over certain feelings you have, such as relief when the person dies after a long illness. You may also feel anger towards the doctors, God, yourself, and even the person who died. Since death of a loved one can trigger thoughts of your own mortality you may experience feelings anxiety, such as worry, fear, and helplessness. Common symptoms of grief are not limited to emotional or psychological symptoms, there are many physical signs of grief. These include fatigue, nausea, weight loss, lowered immunity, and aches/pains.  It is important to remember that there is no normal period of grieving, some take weeks or months while others need years.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve; however, there are healthy ways to cope with pain.

  • Get Support: Turn to friends and family, join a support group, get comfort from your faith, or talk a professional. Whatever you do it’s important not to grieve alone.
  • Express feelings in a creative way: Write in a journal, make a scrapbook or photo album of your loved one, write a letter to your loved one, or get involved in an organization that was important to your loved one.
  • Plan ahead for triggers: Feelings of grief can re-appear when anniversaries, holidays, and milestones come. Plan ahead for these events, talk to family and friends beforehand about what your expectations are as well as strategies to honor your loved one.
  • Take Care of Your Physical Health: Get enough sleep, eat right, and exercise. These will help lessen stress and fatigue during the grieving process. Don’t use drugs or alcohol to lift your mood or numb your feelings.

Posted in Depression, Family & Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships | 1 Comment »