Archive for July, 2010

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A few Quick Tips to Avoid Misunderstanding and Hurt Feelings In Relationships

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

We all want to be “right” in an argument, but this does not mean we can say whatever is on our mind to our partners.  Our “rightness” will usually come off as righteousness, and being “right” does not make a relationship flourish.  Good relationships stem from thinking about what you say before you speak.  Successful relationships require:

  • Thinking about how what you say will make your partner feel (having empathy)
  • Knowing that words are not neutral; what you say will either effect your partner negatively or positively
  • Giving kindness and speaking kindness: what you say is what you get back.
  • Knowing that truthfulness is no excuse for thoughtlessness.
  • Remembering that silence is golden.  If you truly have nothing left to say, then don’t say anything.  If no good will come from what you will say, why say it?  Save your breath.

These few quick tips will help you be more in control of your communication.  Remember that when you are communicating with your partner or anyone for that matter, it is always important to be mindful of what your are saying.  Being aware of what you are saying can promote a healthier relationship by avoiding unnecessary hurt feelings and by conveying what you want to say successfully.

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Bullying – There is only one real way to stop it

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

While it is important to recognize that cellphones, the Internet, video chatting, and social networking sites have made bullying easier, more anonymous, and wholly unsupervised, there is little evidence to support the notion that kids have gotten meaner. Unfortunately, children have always victimized each other in one way or another. The anonymity, however, that the Internet allows; what many of us see as a decreased emphasis on the development of social skills in children largely due to electronic versus face to face socializing, and the proliferation of venues for “social” networking has desensitized us as a culture to the often long term ramifications of bullying both for the bully and those being bullied.

Bullying laws have sought to legislate a problem with punitive action instead of encouraging educators to take a community approach to education that is inclusive of not only “educating” our children academically, but also providing them with the tools they need to effectively be a part of larger societal communities in which they will work, live, and function as young adults. As obvious as it might sound, educators, parents, and school administrators must not only preach kindness, consideration, and equality, but must also model similar behavior between they and their students, and themselves and their peers. Learning activities should be structured to encourage school aged children to learn to effectively problem solve through interpersonal conflicts in a face to face manner; all students, not just the ones that elect to participate in clubs or other activities after school, should be drawn together to create a positive larger community. The country of Norway has been a leader in developing educational communities since the death of a student via suicide as a result of bullying in 1983. Their efforts to develop a sense of community and decreasing bullying and peer violence have been extraordinarily successful. They have achieved these results by encouraging and training teachers, janitors, administrators, parents, and students to be aware of bullying,  how to intervene and respond to bullying, and by implementing educational programming for social skill development as opposed to taking punitive action. The only way to conquer bullying it to take a pro-social, preventative not reactive approach.

Posted in Family & Parenting | 1 Comment »

How to Stop Adult Bullying

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Bullying is any repeated behavior, by another person that makes you feel bad about yourself.  It can take many forms like manipulation, blame, criticism, insults, humiliation, excessive demands, rumors, gossip, cursing, intimidation, sarcasm, exclusion, etc.  It can happen at any time or anywhere. Many times people will be bullied by their own family members or by coworkers.

The effects of being bullied can literally make you sick.  Here are some of the health problems you might have if you are the victim of bullying:

  • Insomnia/Nightmares
  • Exhaustion
  • Hypertension
  • Muscle Spasms
  • Skin Problems
  • Frequent colds/flu
  • Headaches
  • Stomach Problems
  • Eating Disorders
  • Decreased libido
  • Anxiety and panic attacks
  • Stress disorders

How to Deal with an Adult Bully

Do not pretend that just because you are an adult that you can endure bullying and avoid confrontation.  You cannot let it continue if it is causing you physical and emotional pain.  Here’s what to do:

Acknowledge the bully is abusing you.  This is not just an admission of what is happening, but also the letting go of denial, excuses, and justification, and realizing how severe the problem actually is.  In your heart you know that you deserve better than this and that it is time for a change.

Assess your options honestly. Take a good hard look at your relationship with the bully.  Is it your mom? a coworker? What do you give in this relationship? What do you get?  What do you want to get from the relationship in the future? What do you want your life to look like?

Decide you will take action. Your self-respect and self-worth are on the line.  Promise yourself that you will no longer remain quiet and that you will not tolerate it any longer.  You are the only person you can change.  Decide what changes YOU can make that will change the situation.

Document the abuse. Keep records of dates and places of each incident.  This will help you see the reality and magnitude of the situation more clearly.

Establish Boundaries. Don’t keep it a secret; tell an advisor or friend.  Establish clear boundaries of acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior and communicate these boundaries to the bully.  Defend you boundaries no matter what.

Arrange meeting with bully. Make sure this happens with other trusted people around.  Tell your bully what you don’t like and explain to them how it makes you feel.  The bully will be defensive, but hold your ground and explain that you are trying to make the situation better for both people.

After meeting with the bully it might be a good idea to take a hard look at yourself and see if there is any internal work you need to do.  Why have you put up with this behavior for so long?  In addition to these steps you should also make sure to hold your anger, practice confidence, take charge of your own life, talk about it with others, and evaluate your progress.  If your changes in behavior lead to positive results, then enjoy your new freedom and continue to take control of your own life!  If these changes do not promote positive results, then it might be a good idea to seek outside help and consider some more serious alternatives.  Either way, do not give up! This is YOUR life.

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Posted in Personal Growth, Relationships | 1 Comment »

Opiate Painkiller Abuse and Addiction On the Rise: Warning Signs

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Some alarming new local statistics provide a glimpse into drug abuse patterns here on Long Island, where in Nassau and Suffolk Counties there was a 36% increase in the number of people seeking help for painkiller addiction.  Even more alarming is the 59% increase in the number of people seeking help for painkiller addiction who are between the ages of 18 and 34; an age group that often turns from abusing prescription pills to a cheaper form of opiate – heroin. This local trend reflects an alarming national trend with experts from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) stating recently that prescription pain medication abuse is the fastest growing drug problem in America ranking only behind alcohol, and marijuana.  The most frequently abused pain medications are vicodin and oxycontin or their generic equivalents. Admissions from Long Island residents to rehab facilities for painkiller addictions rose by 45% over the past three years alone.

Signs of painkiller abuse:

  • “Doc Hopping” Person goes from doctor to doctor or rotates through doctors trying to obtain painkiller prescriptions
  • Using Doctors well outside of the persons geographic area without reason
  • Using multiple pharmacies to fill “routine” or standing prescriptions
  • Vacillating mood states
  • Inconsistent work performance, poor personal management
  • Selling of personal possessions or theft/missing property from other household members
  • Using or “needing” greater and greater quantities of pain medication

If you or you fear that a loved one is having a problem with painkiller addiction please call us NOW! We are here to help at Holtz Psychological Services (631) 427-6669

Posted in Drugs, Family & Parenting | No Comments »

“Mom, Did YOU EVER SMOKE POT OR USE DRUGS? How best to respond to children’s questions about parental experimentation with drugs or alcohol”

Friday, July 16th, 2010

This question comes up on a weekly basis when working in therapy with the families of adolescents and older children and the issue is a common source of parental anxiety.  Every child and parent, each family, is unique therefore, there is no “golden rule,” however, while you certainly do not need to tell your child eveything you may have done as a young person, whatever you decide to reveal you should do so honestly.  Always treat the question with respect and realize that you may not know the reason your child is inquiring.  When responding always take into account the developmental age of your child and respond to them honestly without glorifying any details.  Answering their question openly will help to keep the conversation going and hopefully keep the lines of communication open regarding a topic that most parents find difficult to discuss with their children (drug use).  For more tips on talking to your children about drugs and alcohol, or if you have concerns about a family members or loved ones’ drug and/or alcohol use we are here to help, call us today at Holtz Psychological Services (631) 427-6669.

Posted in Drugs, Family & Parenting, Relationships | 1 Comment »

The Undervalued Self

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

How do you feel about yourself?

Research has shown that how you evaluate yourself is directly related to your ability to make positive changes in your life.  How you evaluate yourself is also linked to your health, how well you take care of yourself, how you communicate with others, how effective you are in your career, and also whether you are open to life changes.

So, how are self-esteem and change connected?

It may help to think of an example.  Think about a friend or perhaps a time when you constantly told yourself or someone else the same story ridden with blame and complaints towards other people.  Notice how in your story you are never at fault and you took no steps to change your situation.  We have all done it, but being aware of it is very important.  Have you ever wanted to change something like your career, your relationship, or living situation but somehow (despite all of the self-help books and goal setting) you cannot make the desirable changes?  It’s likely that the problem is not in knowing what to do nor is it in understanding how to do it.  The issue might be in believing you are worth making a change; that you deserve it.

How do you discover your self-worth?

Shift Your Perception

Much like standing in a different spot of the room in order to get a different perspective, you can change your perspective on life.  People tend to view their experience from the same perspective and say “that’s just the way it is”.  Try changing it up a bit and taking on a new experience, you might find things aren’t exactly what you thought they were.  Find a new perspective! Otherwise, life can be boring.

The Three Magic Phrases

“I love myself. I forgive myself. I set myself free.” Try to let go of hurtful things you did to yourself and others in the past and make amends.  Constantly being mean to yourself is toxic!

Use Your Automatic Tools

There are plenty strengths you have that you forget about.  For example, you know that when you take a deep breath in the midst of an argument it calms you down.  So, remember this and continue to use this skill.  After a while it will become automatic!

“I’ll see it when I believe it”

If you say “I’ll see it when I believe it” on a daily basis then listen up.  The truth is that until you believe it is possible, you won’t see it.  Tell your skepticism to back off, and realize that being open minded and hopeful will help you experience a world of change!

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Posted in Personal Growth | 1 Comment »

Managing Depression

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

Throughout life we make “plans” for managing all sorts of things – how about managing our emotional life in a planned manner. If you or a loved one struggles with depression it can be helpful to create a “plan” or a “blueprint” for managing depression. Elements of a successful plan should include:

  • EDUCATE: yourself, your family, and/or caregivers
  • DEVELOP: A trusting relationship with your therapist and/or physician
  • WORK: Collaborate with your treating clinicians to find the right combination of treatments to insure success
  • CREATE: A support network, perhaps that includes other people who have struggled with depression
  • EMPOWER: Yourself! By taking control of your treatment plan
  • GET INVOLVED: Stay busy, develop new interests or hobbies stay socially involved

If you or a loved on needs assistance in developing a comprehensive “plan” to manage depression or any other mental health concern please give us a call at Holtz Psychological Services, we are here to help! (631) 427-6669.

Posted in Depression, Personal Growth | 1 Comment »

You Keep Trying to Prove Yourself

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

There are several reasons why people seem to not be getting the most out of their lives.  One of these reasons is that they keep trying to prove themselves.  If you are constantly trying to prove yourself to other people, listen up!

Here are a few warning signs of how you keep trying to prove yourself and what you can do about it!

You Are Living Someone Else’s Dream

Are you fulfilling your own wishes or someone else’s? We all know the story about the son or daughter who becomes a doctor because his or her parents wanted him or her to be one. Then he or she becomes miserable in a career that doesn’t express their heart’s desire. Many people have a slew of ideas about how YOU should live YOUR life, but none of these matters unless they match YOUR vision.  No one knows your heart and destiny as well as you do!

Always know your motivations for doing something.  Is it for joy or for duty?  Would you be doing this if someone else was not asking or urging you?  Make sure you only say yes if it matches your inner choice.  Notice how you sometimes do activities that come from fear or obligation and how they deaden you.  On the other hand, activities that provide you with joy tend to enliven you.  This isn’t to say you should not do something to help another person; but make sure you are doing it to support them rather than saying yes because you are afraid to say no.  Always ask, “Is this really my choice?”

You Measure Yourself against an Impossible Standard

Ideals are just that, IDEALS.  They are downright impossible to attain.  If you constantly try to achieve these impossible feats, you are fighting a losing battle.  So you might as well give up on perfection and celebrate your perfect imperfections!

Men have been taught that they should know everything, and they often feel embarrassed when they don’t.  Transfer this to relationships.  When a woman gets upset and comes to talk with him, the man thinks he has to solve a problem.  In reality, all the woman wants to do is to express her feelings and have a good listener.  The man might get really frustrated with the woman because he doesn’t understand her needs to vent her feelings.  If the man can let go of his need to be a fixer, he will save himself a bunch of stress and the woman will likely feel better.

Women have a different challenge: they have been taught that they need to live up to an impossible societal standard of beauty.  While men face this challenge as well, women have been the overwhelming majority. If you don’t weigh 98lbs, have perfect complexion, and Botox lips, you are not good enough.  Meanwhile, models are starving themselves to look good for magazine covers and they are still being airbrushed!  What a price to pay for glamour!  My advice is to throw away the cheesy picture magazines and accept yourself for who you are; no matter how many lumps or curves you have! You are beautiful!

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Posted in Personal Growth | 3 Comments »

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