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10 Ways to Connect With Your Significant Other Daily

Sunday, March 10th, 2013

Here are little actions and ways to connect each and every day with the one you love:

Leave a note in your significant other’s lunch bag, saying something like, “I love you” or I’m thinking of you right this very moment.”
Text your partner throughout the day. Let him/her know he/she is on your mind, even though you are in the middle of a busy workday or taking care of the children.
Leave at least 10 minutes before you fall asleep at night. Hold each other’s hands, even if you are not talking.
Say ‘Thank you” to your significant other for at least one thing every day.
Compliment your partner before he/she leaves the house for work. A compliment goes a long way. Encourage one another.
Show interest in your partner’s day.
Give your partner a meaningful hug. A hug of about 20 seconds or longer releases oxytocin, a chemical that helps you bond and connect!
Get up or turn toward your partner when they walk in after a workday. Say hello and give them a kiss, even if just for a second.
Make eye contact.
Laugh together. Sharing a laughable moment with your significant other improves your connection and hey, let’s face it, laugher feels great!

Remember, small connections add up to much bigger rewards. Get connected. Stay connected!

-Dr. Marisa Hammock and Dr. Monique Griffith

Posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »

How to make 2012 the best year yet

Saturday, January 7th, 2012

As a society, we all ring in the New Year with big hopes and dreams and by the end of week 1 we quit. Either our resolutions are too hard, or we slip up on a diet, have unrealistic goals, or we just lack motivation. Here are some tips of how to make this year be the BEST year yet.

Step 1:
The most important thing when making a Resolution is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Think of your everyday life and something you want to change. Not something big, but something that you think you can do better. That’s a good place to start.

Step 2:
So many times we try to change things that are complicated or too hard for us. A simple and REALISTIC goal is what will help you succeed in your resolution. Do you want to lose weight? Well maybe 50 lbs isn’t realistic… but maybe 10 is. So carve out a simple and realistic goal and then set out to make an action plan. This will help you plan and organize how you can achieve this goal. (And once you have achieved this goal, you can move onto the next 10 pounds and so on…)

Step 3:
Taking small steps will help keep your motivation for the long haul. A major life change may seem daunting if it’s all at once. But if you give yourself small tasks that lead up to the major goal this will help it become more attainable. Giving weekly or even daily goals can help break down a large resolution so it is more palatable. Along with small steps is to track them. If we can see our progress throughout the year then we are more likely to keep going. Form a spreadsheet or even a blank piece of paper on your desk where you can reference your progress daily or weekly (depending on the goal).

Step 4:
Positive thinking is a MUST. You need to be your own motivator, so it’s important to cut yourself some slack. So you yelled at your spouse when you vowed to control your temper? So you ate that cookie you swore you wouldn’t touch? You can still attain your resolution. There are 364 more days of the year and every day counts. Give yourself positive reinforcement. Utilize positive affirmations in the mirror and say to yourself “I will do this” or “I believe in myself” every day to keep your motivation and encouragement. Research has shown that positive affirmations can help send your brain positive messages that will in turn create a positive mood.

Step 5:
Ask family and friends to join in. This is the reason why group counseling and Alcoholics Anonymous works so well. When we have others to answer to it helps make us accountable. Accountability helps us succeed. It also makes whatever we are working towards more fun. When we have a friend or family member participating in the activity it can boost our motivation and enjoyment. It can also help bring couples and families together. Quality time doing activities that better ourselves can help improve our personal and romantic relationships. The more satisfied we are with ourselves the more satisfied we will be with our relationships as well.

Step 6:
And the most important of all: Reward yourself. When you are working hard at achieving your goals it’s important to give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve been calm all week? Have that extra cookie! You did all your workouts? Sleep in one morning! You haven’t drank alcohol in a month? Do something fun! All work and no play make no one happy. The reason we have New Year’s Resolutions is to better ourselves. If we aren’t happier than we aren’t really better.

Following these simple steps will help create the change you want to make in your life. Let 2012 be the year that you make it happen. Improve those failing relationships, overcome a fear, lose the weight, and try something new! Let yourself shine in the New Year so you can be the person you want to be.

KC Putterman LMHC, HC

Tags: resolutions, therapy
Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Family & Parenting, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Communication Skills 101

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

Typically, arguments and misunderstandings stem from a lack of effective communication. By developing better communication skills you will begin to see a change in your interpersonal relationships. Below are a few tips to get you started on the road to effective communication.

The first step to being a good communicator is being a better listener. Hear what the other person is saying without responding in a way that suggests otherwise. Don’t talk over the other person; this shows that you are not interested in what they are saying but rather have your own agenda.

After the other person is done speaking, take a moment to think about what they said. You don’t need to respond instantly once their last word is spoken. Stopping to reflect for a few seconds shows that you are processing what they said and taking it seriously. Then, try to reiterate what they said. Start with phrases such as “what I heard you say is….” Or “what I understood was….” This will then allow the other person to correct any misunderstandings in what you heard.

Don’t let distractions interfere with your conversation, especially an emotionally charged conversation. If the phone rings, let it go to voicemail, you can respond later to it. If the television is on, lower the volume or turn it off. This will send the message that you are taking the conversation seriously.

Try to look at it from the other person’s perspective. Think about the importance of the relationship you have with them (your significant other, your parent/child, your co-worker). Keep this in mind when communicating with them. Also, acknowledge and accept responsibility for your role in the situation. This will allow the other person to feel comfortable doing the same.

Always make eye contact. This shows that you are engaged in the conversation. Show you care through nonverbal means, nodding, a hand to the shoulder, etc.

Remember, to keep an open mind to whatever the other person expresses. Patience and understanding go a long way.

If you are having relationship troubles, call the relationship experts at Holtz Psychological Services NOW! Before things get worse, so you can make them better!

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Tips for Coping with Adult ADD/ADHD

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Manage Symptoms of Adult ADHD NOW

The daily hassles of life are enough to cause everyone stress. But if you are an adult struggling with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) everything from paying the bills, to grocery shopping, to social demands can feel overwhelming. By taking advantage of the self-help tips listed below you can begin to overcome even the most challenging symptoms and feelings of disorganization.

Get Organized. Create space in your house by throwing away or storing in bins or closets items you don’t need on a daily basis. Have a special space for items that get easily lost, like mail and keys. Use lists and notes to keep track of deadlines, appointments, tasks, etc. A daily planner can help you get and stay organized; avoid electronic organizers such as Blackberry’s unless you use them routinely and with some facility. Avoid forgetfulness by dealing with things NOW! For example, open the mail as it comes in and deal with it right then, file it, throw it away, or act on it.

Be Mindful of Time. Often adults with ADHD perceive time differently than others. Become a clock watcher. Get a wristwatch, computer, alarm clock, or timer; anything with the time on it that you can refer to will help keep you stay aware of the passage of time. Develop a routine for mundane tasks. Process the mail, pay bills, and complete other daily tasks for the same amount of time in the same order every day or on the same day each week; develop routines that you can stick too. A daily routine will help you remember everything that has to be done. Also, give yourself more time than you think you need. Add ten minutes on to every task to ensure you don’t run out of time. Write appointments down for fifteen minutes before the actual time. This will ensure that you’ll never be late.

Prioritize. Individuals with ADHD often struggle with impulse control and will jump from one thing to another. Big tasks often seem over whelming because of all the small steps involved. Before you begin a big task, prioritize what is the most important thing to do first and then list other less important tasks afterwards. This will help you to break down the large task into smaller tasks, so it will seem less over whelming.

Learn to say NO. Because of impulsiveness individuals with ADHD will often agree to take on more tasks, overloading their schedules. This leads to more distractions and feelings of being over whelmed. It often results in unfinished projects or tasks. By saying no, your performance will improve as you will have less to focus on and more time to accomplish tasks. Learn to check your schedule before you commit to additional projects or tasks.

If you or someone in your life thinks they have or has been diagnosed with an attention problem we can help. Our clinical director has over 15 years experience in the assessment of ADHD and our therapists excel at assisting adults, adolescents, and children in coping with and beating the symptoms of this challenging disorder. Call us NOW!

Posted in ADHD, Family & Parenting, Marriage, Personal Growth, Self-esteem | No Comments »

Battling Infidelity in a Marriage

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Infidelity in a marriage does not have to lead to divorce. Although infidelity is very painful there are often ways to work through it and re-establish a more healthful partnership; with a foundation of love, trust, and happiness. Tips on Working Through Infidelity:

Avoid Revenge: If you find out your partner has cheated, showing them how it feels by having an affair of your own is not going to help. Give yourself time to think things through and to pay attention to all of your feelings.

Close Your Borders: It is possible that strong boundaries were not in place in your marriage. Now is the time to correct this. During the few weeks after infidelity do not allow anyone in or out of your marriage. Take this opportunity to communicate with your partner about what happened, the reasons why it happened, and discuss options for moving forward.

Get Rid of the Third Person: If you are going to rebuild your marriage, you must break it off with the mistress/mister. Continuing to have contact with him/her, even as friends, will hurt your marriage.

Get Rid of Secretive Electronics: Now is the time to build trust in your marriage and this means being transparent. Do this by getting rid of your secret cell phones, secret email accounts, etc. For now, share an e-mail with your spouse and/or create a shared facebook account. Exchange passwords to voicemail and other electronics as appropriate.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: Frequent communication with your spouse about where you are and what you’re doing will be important. Call your spouse from work during the day. Give your spouse your schedule for the day. Be where you say you are at all times and be available to your partner whenever they need you.

Be Patient with your Feelings: Expect to go through emotional ups and downs. Hurt often turns to anger. Try not to act on these feelings. Focus on remaining calm, and trying to understand your feelings; deep breathing or other relaxation exercises can help.

Go to a Doctor: If your spouse was sexually active with someone else it will be important for both of you to get STD testing. Many STD’s do not show up for 6 to 12 months after contact.

With a healthy foundation your marriage may be able withstand infidelity. Some marriages can even become stronger after an affair. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness and be flexible as both of you will have to work through your feelings as you work to improve your relationship.

If you or a loved one are in relationship distress please call us, often people wait till there have been other transgressions, or more hurt feelings. Early intervention is often key in saving a relationship when infidelity has occurred. Several of our therapists have extensive experience in couples therapy and are eager to help..

Posted in Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships | No Comments »

Social Networking: Reconnecting with the Past while Living in the Present

Monday, October 25th, 2010

Social networking sites have become a daily activity for many people. They offer a unique opportunity to reconnect with old friends and keep updated on the daily lives of those close to you. However, social networking can be dangerous, especially when it comes between you and your partner. It is very easy to start an emotional affair through the internet, particularly when you are spending hours a day on social networking sites. The difference between using these sites recreationally to chat with friends and family and starting an emotional affair depends on your intentions. This is especially true when you are reconnecting with a former romantic partner. A recent article in Going Bonkers magazine offers five tips to protecting your relationship when using social networking sites:

Be clear what your intentions are for reconnecting with someone. Likewise, it is important to know what their intentions are too. Are you looking to rekindle a former romantic relationship or just catching up on each other’s lives?
Be mindful of the frequency of contacts. Writing several times a day increases the intensity of the relationship while writing once a week allows you to hear from each other and still keeps the intensity low.
Use caution when sharing personal information. Talking about your feelings increases intimacy; this is something you do in your relationship with your partner.
Keep your partner informed. Tell him/her who you are contacting and show them the chat and emails. This eliminates secrecy and the possibility of jealousy entering your relationship. Furthermore, it will allow your social networking to become part of your relationship.
Bring your partner if you are meeting your friend in person. If you agenda is clear, intensity and intimacy are low, and your partner is aware of your social networking then there shouldn’t be a problem in going to meet your friend together as a couple.

Posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Living with an Angry Person

Monday, October 18th, 2010

An angry person is someone who gets anger several times a day. This is their dominant emotion; setting aside feelings of joy, sadness, and fear. The angry person is not necessarily violent; they may mumble under their breath or appear annoyed constantly. They are often ready to go on the attack or say things they don’t mean. There is help for anger management in the form of individual and group counseling, however, what do you do if you live with someone who is angry. First, start by protecting yourself physically. Safety is just as important as love and a healthy relationship has both. Being angry is not an excuse to threaten or hurt. Below are more tips to living with an angry person:

Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and appreciated for who they are. Begin by treating yourself with respect; then speak with your partner about what behaviors you find disrespectful and which would make you feel respected. Unless you insist on being treated with respect it won’t happen.
Don’t accept responsibility for your partner’s anger. Often the angry person will place blame on other people stating “you make me mad.” It’s easier to place blame on other people then to claim responsibility for their angry. By accepting your partner’s anger you are taking on the responsibility of keeping them happy all the time, which is an impossible feat.
Think about what your partner gains from being angry, to gain power and control, to keep you at a safe distance, to defend against low self-esteem, etc. This may help you decide how to handle your partner when she/he gets angry.
Anger can be contagious, avoid becoming an angry person yourself. Just because your partner is angry most of the time doesn’t mean you have to be too.
Don’t isolate yourself. Get help from others. You can’t turn to your partner for a solution if she/he is the problem. Reach out to family and friends who will be good listeners. Join a support group or consider seeking professional help.

Posted in Family & Parenting, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Staying Married: Practical Tips for Making Your Marriage Work (Part II)

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

So let’s recap. Previous reasons for couples divorcing included cheating; including adultery and keeping secrets, skewed power roles; one person has too much or too little power, arguing; couples who argued at home had more heated arguments and escalations of abuse, lack of control; couples fail to control certain behaviors that greatly disturb each other, and finally the lack of sex in marriages helped contribute to the failure of the relationship. Their advice was to not cheat, create power zones, argue in public, control what you can control, and have sex (with each other!). Here are a few more helpful and practical tips.

Tip#6: Lose the “Me” and Practice the “Us”. Many times a spouse will say “I deserve to be happy” and have the attitude that the marriage should benefit him or her, advance him or her, etc. When these needs are not fulfilled the person feels betrayed. They feel they did not sign up for bad times, they only signed up for the good times. This type of attitude will lead to failure. Everyone DOES deserve to be happy, but when the marriage becomes secondary to self-happiness there is a problem. There are always three in a marriage; you, your partner, and the marriage. The marriage should always be primary. This does not mean neglecting your own needs but it does mean taking care of yourself for the marriage and your partner taking care of him or herself for the sake of the marriage. In this way it is likely the marriage will flourish.

Tip #7: Be a Spouse, Not a Parent. One spouse may say “he acts like such a child” or “she acts like my mother”. If you are the “child” in the marriage you need to change your role. You are not a kid so why would you want to be treated as such? You need to resolve your insecurities and stop patterning yourself as a passive in the relationship. Your partner needs you to be an equal. On the flip side, if you are a “parent”, then you need to change your role as well. Your partner already has a mom or a dad so stop trying to be one. A relationship means “relating” to each other on an equal playing field. Successful relationships come from a balance, not from one person wearing the pants. Find that balance!

Tip #8: Random Acts of Kindness. Sure it is nice to be kind to strangers but try it on your spouse first. You will be shocked by how little niceties will benefit your relationship. Send your spouse a nice text message asking them how their day is going or write them a note and leave it on their car seat. If you are not “sentimental” per se, then get a card and give it to your partner. Make sure you do these things when it is not a special occasion. When your spouse is not expecting anything, then that is the best time to do something nice. Helping out around the house is also another way to help your partner out. In addition, when you hear your partner pulling into the driveway, go greet them and help them with the groceries! Every action elicits a reaction. Soon you will have a cycle of niceties and your relationship will be glowing with happiness!

Tip #9: Reconnect. Many divorcing couples speak about “growing apart” or “not knowing each other anymore”. Your kids should not be the center of your universe and neither should your work; if this is the case, then your need to reprioritize your life. Find a babysitter and go out with your spouse. Do not talk about work or the kids. This time is just for reconnecting with each other again. You need to stay connected without letting life’s distractions tear your relationship apart. If you neglect your relationship, it is likely it will crumble. Stay connected with the one you love.

Is there any one way to keep your marriage from falling apart? NO. But following these tips from divorcing couples will help you maintain a strong relationship. It is not just one, but all of these tips working together to create harmony in the relationship. Try your best to incorporate these into your marriage, especially if the warning signs are there and put your marriage first.

Tags: Marriage, Relationships
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