Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

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The Gift of Forgiveness

Monday, April 15th, 2013

“Relationships are complicated”. That is a statement that seems to echo among many singles and couples alike and is even recognized as a status option on Facebook. Its clear that relationships take effort to establish and maintain so why do we even bother? Well, it’s simple. We are relational beings that benefit from social interaction and when we open ourselves to others, we become vulnerable to hurt.

Have you ever gotten into an argument and stayed angry much longer than the person who offended you? Then, when you saw him or her appearing happy and free, your blood boiled even more at the thought of how quickly he or she could just move on without an apology or a resolution. The angrier you became at the thought of the offense, the angrier you grew at yourself for not being able to let it go. Sometimes we have difficulty “letting go” of a grudge because we think we’re letting someone off the hook or doing someone a favor by moving on. Instead, we should realize that when we forgive, it is not only for the sake of the offender; forgiveness is also for our benefit.

Why Is Forgiveness Beneficial?

  • When you forgive, you release the hold that resentment and anger have on you.
  • When you forgive, you open yourself to recognize and receive happiness/emotional peace.
  • When you forgive, you regain your ability to live and appreciate what is occurring in the moment rather than living in the past.
  • When you forgive, you allow yourself to build a new future that is not tainted by past hurts and offenses.

Keep in mind, forgiveness does not necessarily mean condoning hurtful behavior. It is, however, a gift (for yourself) that keeps on giving.

Dr. Monique Griffith and Dr. Marisa Hammock

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem | No Comments »

Becoming Perfectly Imperfect

Saturday, January 26th, 2013

There are some people who may challenge us on the following idea (ie. Monica Geller), but we still strongly support the notion that no one is perfect. It doesn’t matter who might try to convince you that they are, don’t believe them. Perfection does not exist and striving for perfection robs energy and causes a heightened level of stress. It’s the equivalent of entering a never-ending race or taking a test with an unlimited amount of questions while never being able to complete it. If no one can truly claim or achieve perfection, then why place so much pressure on yourself to be perfect? We challenge you to accept your unique characteristics and feel perfect in your imperfection.

Of course, we need to be clear. Accepting your unique characteristics and imperfections is not a license to give up and not put effort into developing yourself or doing your best. However, it is a license to change your perspective.

Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

  • Become Your Best Advocate..instead of your worst critic, by identifying your strengths rather than focusing on your flaws. Focusing on your flaws will only create stress and weaken your resolve for achieving your goals. Recognizing your strengths will energize you. Realize you have both, as we all do.
  • You’re You-nique. Embrace yourself, flaws and all and consider how you’re perceived flaws make you unique rather than hinder you. How do your flaws make you more intriguing?
  • You are a Work in Progress. Who you are now is not necessarily who you will be because as you progress through and experience life, you are likely to evolve.  Accept yourself as you are, but always focus on moving forward. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean to agree; it means you find contentment where you are before you get to where you want to be.
  • Give Credit Where Credit is Due. Perfectionistic people are often not satisfied with a grade of 97%. Rather than focusing on and celebrating the 97%, these kinds of people focus on and exaggerate the severity of the incorrect 3%. Learn to give yourself credit on your successes rather than magnifying your failures.
  • Focus on Self-Esteem.  Underneath perfectionism lies a fear, a fear that we are not good enough, unacceptable or unlovable and the only way to account for that is to outwardly and earnestly strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, this has an alternative outcome because the more we strive to be perfect, the more we fail.
  • Good Enough is Enough. Challenge your perception. Whatever you deem as perfect, back it down 5 notches and strive for that! Think of it this way. If you were a basketball player who wanted to slam dunk a 20 foot hoop (yes, we realize this is extreme; our point exactly) yet, you are 5 ft  tall, you cannot possibly succeed unless the hoop was lowered to 8ft at least!
  • Focus on a Destination You Can Reach. Since there is not one person who is perfect, the road to perfectionism is never-ending and therefore, can never truly be reached.

Remember, there is only one you, so be the best you that you can be.

Dr. Monique and Dr. Marissa

 

 

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Your Guide to Spring Cleaning…During Winter

Sunday, January 6th, 2013

Why put off for tomorrow what you can do today? Why wait until the Spring to begin removing the clutter from your life when you can start now? Yes, cleaning may seem like an undesirable chore, but taking the time to periodically clean your emotional space is as important as cleaning your physical space. Here are a few steps:

  • Sharpen your vision. Regrets keep you bound to your past while vision propels you into your future. Therefore, develop a vision for yourself/your life and set goals.
  • Prioritize. Figure out what emotional habits you continue to engage in that instead of drawing you closer to realizing your vision, pull you further away. Then, before diving head first into cleaning the nooks and crannies of your emotional space, place the habits in order of significance.
  • Finish what you start. Tackle one ‘emotional project’ at a time.
  • Keep Dirt Out. Anyone who struggles with keeping their house clean knows that it is wiser to expend energy on keeping ‘dirt’ out instead of cleaning the dirt after it builds up. So, reduce the amount of emotional dirt that enters your mental and emotional space by not entertaining negative opinions and pessimistic thoughts.
  • Don’t settle for a quick fix. Any lasting change that you would like to see takes time to achieve. So, don’t rush! Take your time to ensure you are heading in the direction of your desired destination.
  • Try keeping a journal. Writing can be very therapeutic and cathartic, allowing you to purge negative or painful emotions.  Keep in mind, it is not always the length of each journal entry but the honesty and candidness which can be part of the cleansing process.
  • Learn to Let Go…whether it’s with your own self or a life situation.  One significant aspect to emotional cleansing is the let go and accept the past.  Remember, accepting does not mean agreeing. You can disagree or dislike an event or circumstance but still come to an acceptance of its occurrence.
  • Learn the difference between what is within your control and what is not.  Break things down until you can identify the part of it that is in your control.   Learn to distinguish the difference.
  • Don’t spend time expelling energy on what is not within your control.
  • Learn to forgive. If not for the other person, for yourself. There is a saying by Budda, “Holding on to anger is like a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”
  • Organize your physical environment. Whether this is in your home or your work space, physical cleanliness and organization often bring a sense of inner tranquility and comfort. It can reduce anxiety and provide internal peace.
Dr. Marisa and Dr. Monique

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Growth, Self-esteem, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Top 5 Reasons NOT to Make “New Year’s Resolutions”

Monday, December 31st, 2012

As the old year comes to an end and the new year approaches, many take the time to reflect on their lives. Some identify achievements that they have made and continue to set future goals. Others identify aspects of their lives that they would like to change during the upcoming year and make resolutions. To both groups, the new year signifies a new beginning; a time to learn from the past and commit to changing the future. Do we need resolutions to make life changes? No, we don’t and here are 5 reasons why you don’t need to make New Year’s resolutions.

5.  New Year’s resolutions are typically too overwhelming! Many people make resolutions that involve major life changes that need to be accomplished by the end of the year. Then, when faced with the large task, the commitment waivers in the face of stress, anxiety and frustration. So, remember, in order to create lasting change, it is important to set challenging, yet realistic goals that you can incorporate into your daily life without feeling like you’re being deprived or overwhelmed.

4.  Resolutions resemble cookies….What? Okay, let me explain.  You are at a party and you see your favorite oatmeal raisin cookie. You say to yourself, “no, I am going to be ‘good’ and not have any cookies tonight.” A little while later, when the cookie is eying you from the opposite side of the room, you say, “Okay, well I will just have one cookie. That is it.” You do well with that one cookie but somehow as the night is progressing, you are physically and emotionally DRAWN to another oatmeal raisin cookie! At that moment, all caution is thrown to the wind and you gobble six cookies! You tell yourself  you fell off the wagon; you might as well “go all out” tonight and eat as many oatmeal raisin cookies as you can consume.  Most of us have been here a time or two.   One slip up and we abandon all previously stated goals, desires and hopes.  Resolutions tend to put us in this all or nothing mind set and along the way we forget that set backs are normal and natural but somehow, instead, they tend to leave us feeling discouraged, dissatisfied and hopeless and we resort back to our pre-resolution behaviors just like that.  It is always a good idea to allow for, even expect setbacks at times but be mindful not to allow yourself to feel completely defeated or overcome by such setbacks.

3. Resolutions can leave you feeling unsuccessful and hopeless.  About 80-90% of New Year’s resolutions fail.  Those are not great statistics for self-accomplishment.   Focus your energy and mind on something that has a higher success rate and as you accomplish each task, watch as your sense of accomplishment soars!

2. We often set resolutions that are too broad.  Let’s take some of the most common New Year’s resolutions as an example. “Lose weight” and “eat healthier” are among the most common resolutions set each year by millions of people.  Maybe you have even set these once or twice!  The problem arises because these, although great goals, are extremely broad.  Let’s take “eat healthier”; what does that exactly mean? Eat more fruit and veggies? Eat fewer sweets? Cut calories? All of the above?  The most effective way to set goal and maintain steps toward reaching those goals is the identify very achievable, realistic and specific steps to accomplishing whatever it is you desire to change in your life!

1. Each day is a new beginning that offers you the opportunity to reflect on the decisions that were made the previous day. Each day you awake, is a day to be thankful and set daily, realistic goals. As you decide to focus on making each choice more positive or healthy, you’ll realize that over time, your life and habits will change without the pressure of a daunting resolution.

We challenge you NOT to make any New Year’s resolutions and have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

Dr. Monique and Dr. Marisa

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Thinking positively really can help

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

People learn to be more positive from the inside out. We need to train our brain to think positive. Throughout the day, we get many negative comments and images passed through our way. We don’t need to strain ourselves to think of something negative that happened throughout our busy day, however, It takes time and energy to determine the ‘happy things’ that happen each day. My challenge to you is to start writing down these affirmative things that happen to you and create your own personal affirmations.
For treating common mental health illnesses such as Depression and Anxiety, it has been shown that positive thinking can increase one’s response to treatment. People who suffer from Depression are often instructed to recite daily affirmations as part of their treatment. Even in the depths of Depression, vocalizing these positive mantra’s can help shift our mind’s focus over time.
Affirmations help us motivate and encourage ourselves. Whether it’s an inspirational quote, or a reminder of something you did well on your fridge, these are all examples of simple ways to affirm ourselves.
It starts with a list. Make a small list, either typed or handwritten, of things that are going well in your life, things that make you happy. From here you can create your own personal affirmation. Some examples are “I am good at my job”; “I am a beautiful person inside and out”. The only rules to affirmations is that they are positive and in the present tense.
One of the benefits of affirmations is that it tricks the brain into positive thinking. When we send more positive messages to the brain it makes us happier beings. This helps mental clarity and increases positive awareness.
Self affirmations should be done daily in order to effectively recondition the brain into thinking positively. Put it on your fridge, at your desk, or by the bathroom sink. Put them somewhere that you will see them daily and can incorporate them into your daily routine.
Starting out with these positive thoughts in the beginning of your day can help set the pace for that day. Ever wake up feeling gloomy? And the day gets worse from there on out? Start with a positive affirmation the next day and see how that day turns out. It just may be a happier, more positive day.

 

KC Putterman LMHC,HC

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How to make 2012 the best year yet

Saturday, January 7th, 2012

As a society, we all ring in the New Year with big hopes and dreams and by the end of week 1 we quit. Either our resolutions are too hard, or we slip up on a diet, have unrealistic goals, or we just lack motivation. Here are some tips of how to make this year be the BEST year yet.

Step 1:
The most important thing when making a Resolution is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Think of your everyday life and something you want to change. Not something big, but something that you think you can do better. That’s a good place to start.

Step 2:
So many times we try to change things that are complicated or too hard for us. A simple and REALISTIC goal is what will help you succeed in your resolution. Do you want to lose weight? Well maybe 50 lbs isn’t realistic… but maybe 10 is. So carve out a simple and realistic goal and then set out to make an action plan. This will help you plan and organize how you can achieve this goal. (And once you have achieved this goal, you can move onto the next 10 pounds and so on…)

Step 3:
Taking small steps will help keep your motivation for the long haul. A major life change may seem daunting if it’s all at once. But if you give yourself small tasks that lead up to the major goal this will help it become more attainable. Giving weekly or even daily goals can help break down a large resolution so it is more palatable. Along with small steps is to track them. If we can see our progress throughout the year then we are more likely to keep going. Form a spreadsheet or even a blank piece of paper on your desk where you can reference your progress daily or weekly (depending on the goal).

Step 4:
Positive thinking is a MUST. You need to be your own motivator, so it’s important to cut yourself some slack. So you yelled at your spouse when you vowed to control your temper? So you ate that cookie you swore you wouldn’t touch? You can still attain your resolution. There are 364 more days of the year and every day counts. Give yourself positive reinforcement. Utilize positive affirmations in the mirror and say to yourself “I will do this” or “I believe in myself” every day to keep your motivation and encouragement. Research has shown that positive affirmations can help send your brain positive messages that will in turn create a positive mood.

Step 5:
Ask family and friends to join in. This is the reason why group counseling and Alcoholics Anonymous works so well. When we have others to answer to it helps make us accountable. Accountability helps us succeed. It also makes whatever we are working towards more fun. When we have a friend or family member participating in the activity it can boost our motivation and enjoyment. It can also help bring couples and families together. Quality time doing activities that better ourselves can help improve our personal and romantic relationships. The more satisfied we are with ourselves the more satisfied we will be with our relationships as well.

Step 6:
And the most important of all: Reward yourself. When you are working hard at achieving your goals it’s important to give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve been calm all week? Have that extra cookie! You did all your workouts? Sleep in one morning! You haven’t drank alcohol in a month? Do something fun! All work and no play make no one happy. The reason we have New Year’s Resolutions is to better ourselves. If we aren’t happier than we aren’t really better.

Following these simple steps will help create the change you want to make in your life. Let 2012 be the year that you make it happen. Improve those failing relationships, overcome a fear, lose the weight, and try something new! Let yourself shine in the New Year so you can be the person you want to be.

KC Putterman LMHC, HC

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Helping people to “Flourish”

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011

Groundbreaking new research from Martin Seligman, PhD suggests that we can help our clients, communities, loved ones, and society at large to flourish not merely alleviate suffering.  Positive psychological models focus upon helping human beings to not merely overcome adversity and lessen suffering but to truly thrive and live fuller, more meanigful lives.  The pillars of this model are positive emotion, life/community engagement, development of relationships/relatedness, development of meaning, and  accomplishment (personally defined) can become the “new” focus in our work with clients.  Application of such a model within therapy can help not only to alleviate suffering but more importantly help our clients thrive!

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Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

     Historically, it has been believed that children who witness domestic violence are more likely to be in abusive intimate relationships and experience psychological problems such as post traumatic stress disorder, (PTSD) in adulthood. Some investigators have suggested that a history of family violence or abuse is the most significant difference between delinquent and non delinquent youth. An estimated 1/5 to 1/3 of all teenagers who are involved in dating relationships are regularly abusing or being abused by their partners verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and/or physically.  Between 30% and 50% of dating relationships can exhibit the same cycle of escalating violence as marital relationships.  However, a new study has found that there are certain protective factors that will foster resilience and increase the likelihood that the cycle of violence will end for women who, as children, were exposed to their mothers’ battering.

     Women who are more resilient, economically stable, have a strong work ethic, are independent and competent are less likely to suffer from PTSD symptoms.  Researchers have found that resiliency was enhanced if mothers were employed full-time — that is, gainful employment has a positive influence on their children’s recovery from witnessing domestic violence.

     PTSD in adulthood is increased if a child had witnessed the abuse of their mother; among children whose mothers experienced mental problems; and in children who witnessed police involvement in violent incidents. In particular, children of mothers who had mental health problems were more likely to develop PTSD later in life, as were children who witnessed the arrest of family members during violent incidents.  Unlike children, adolescents typically have a greater ability to externalize negative emotions.  In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (e.g., sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims within this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively.

     Referrals to the appropriate school personnel could be the first step in assisting your child or teen in need of support. When there is suggestion of domestic violence with a student, consider involving the school psychologist, social worker, or guidance counselor. If your child expresses a desire to talk, provide them with an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings. In addition to talking, they may be also encouraged to write in a journal, draw, or paint.

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