Mother-Daughter relationships are important and unique in a woman’s life. Most women will describe their relationship with their mother are having typical ups and downs. Have you ever wondered how to take your relationship to the next level, from ordinary to extraordinary? Read below for some helpful tips on improving the mother-daughter relationship.

Make a conscious choice to improve your relationship with your mother. This entails making the relationship more important than being right in an argument. Be willing to let go of the past and any reasons why an extraordinary relationship won’t work.

            Write down what you want in the relationship. Do you want to be best friends with your mom? Increase laughter? Have a stronger bond? By writing out a definition of what you want you will be clear on your goals.

            Don’t let others, including your mother; stop you from creating an extraordinary relationship. Even if your mother isn’t on board initially with your efforts, try not to get discouraged. With time and consistency, she will see you are committed to improving your relationship. Furthermore, don’t let others in your family influence you as they may not be open to your efforts at a better relationship with your mother. Don’t let yourself become victim to old family patterns (arguing, not speaking to each other, etc).

            Be willing to accept your part in the past. Accept responsibility for any pain you caused your mother in the past and apologize. Be willing to do this face to face. This will allow both of you to talk openly about your roles in past arguments. Move on from the past after this conversation.

            Stay present in the moment and be honest. This will help you stay neutral to experiences that would have caused you to become upset in the past. Remember, that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have learned in life so far. Keep this in mind as you begin to build a better relationship with your mom.

            Spend quality time with your mother. Do things together just the two of you. Go out to eat, go shopping or to the movies, cook together. Engage in activities your mother enjoys. This will further the bond you share.

            While this isn’t an easy process, you can achieve it. Remember, to show unconditional love, support, and commitment. If you or a family member is struggling to improve their relationship with their mother or daughter give the experts at Holtz Psychological Services a call. We are here to help!

Yelling, threatening, bribing, even spanking are common, but generally not good, parenting practices. These techniques often make children feel bad and parents feel even worse. What’s more important, these techniques are not effective. Despite this many parents continue to use them and become stuck innegative cycles of punishment.

A recent article in Going Bonkers magazine discusses one parenting technique that focuses on nurturing and supporting children; even better this technique often leads to positive change and increased cooperation from children. It’s called “emotion coaching” and involves teaching children how to recognize and express their emotions in an appropriate way. When a child is able to communicate his or her feelings, you will begin to see a change in how you in turn interact with your child. Below are examples of emotion coaching compared to more common but less effective parenting techniques:

Situation: You get home with your kids in the evening and finally have a few minutes to yourself to make an important phone call; you reach for the phone, your kids start playing a loud game of tag, running up and down the halls stamping their feet and screaming. What do you do? Some parents would hang up the phone and yell at their children to “stop or else!” Others would ignore their children and walk into another part of the house to make the call. Either way, you’re children are not learning to be cooperative. Emotion coaching would suggest you take a deep breath and speak to your kids in a calm voice, telling them “I can see you have tons of energy and are having fun but it’s really loud. Can you take the game outside (or in the basement)?”  In this example using the skill of “emotion coaching” you acknowledge your child’s need to play and have fun but redirect them to a more appropriate less disruptive space to play within.

Situation: You are at the park with your son and he falls down, he starts crying so you go, pick him up, brush him off, and tell him he’s all right. While you may think you need to teach your son not to be overly sensitive what you’re actually doing is neglecting to think what emotions arose in your when he fell down. Was he scared, embarrassed, startled? Emotion coaching would suggest you approach your son with empathy. When you pick him up ask him “Did you hurt yourself or are you scared/embarrassed?” Or even batter, “you fell, how do you feel?”

Situation: Most parents love to reward their children for good behavior. Sticker charts, candy, extra time in front of the TV are common incentives parents use to get their kids to behave, however it’s not a good idea. We must all learn to cooperate in life without expecting an external reward. If for example, your child is upset about leaving the park, instead of offering a incentive if he leaves say “I know you’re having a good time playing in the park but we have somewhere else we have to be. Can you help me pack up our things?”

Emotion coaching is a way of communicating with your child about their feelings, what went wrong, and coming up with a plan. Remember, any new parenting skill takes time. Don’t get discouraged if emotion coaching doesn’t work immediately, give it a chance as it is new for both you and your Child (children).

Our highly regarded parenting classes are starting this January, if you are interested in attending these informative, hands on workshops to increase your parenting effectiveness, reduce conflict with your children and to learn how to be the parent you want to be, please contact Adam Russo at adam@tehrapy-now.com or call us at Holtz Psychological Services 631-427-6669.